Coffee with Me

PSA: Military Wives not Single Moms February 19, 2010

Filed under: Base Living and 29 Palms,Family — Melissa @ 6:45 am

I’m sure this will make some roll their eyes. But that’s okay. It’s my blog and just hope that you might see my heart in this.

Military wives are not single moms while their husbands are deployed.

I think it’s offensive to single moms to say that. I know when you say, “I’m a single mom right now,” you’re not saying it to be offensive. But that’s why I’m posting this to let you know, that to a single mom, it can be hurtful.

See, I was a single mom once. For 5 years. I know the difference.

When I was a single mom, ALL the decisions were made by me. All the money had to be made by me. There were not 2 heads in which to talk things out, or debate, or figure out the best route for the family. There was just me. There wasn’t someone else helping out financially. There was just me. When my daughter was sick, and I didn’t work, that meant I might not be able to pay the insurance that month, or the electric. Deciding on what to do in those situations is very stressful.

When you’re a single mom, you don’t get a break from the stress of being THE ONE that both you and your child have to count on. Now it’s not that I didn’t have family around me. I did! I’m really glad I did. But ultimately the bottom line is that it was all me.

As a military wife, when my husband is deployed, I still don’t work. I’m free to just take care of the children and enjoy the fact that the paycheck hits the checking account 2 times a month. (Even if I did work, there is knowledge that I didn’t HAVE to work.) I still have my husband there to help with decisions. Yes, the day to day living falls on me, but the life choices regarding our family does not fall on just me.

It just isn’t the same.

A friend told me that it’s hard when her husband is so involved with the children, taking them places on the weekends, family devotions, just really being very involved, and then to have him leave and not be there doing that. I know it is. And the more involved the dad, the harder it will be. But the knowledge of what he does, who he is, the love he has for those kids, that knowledge is there. His children will not forget that. The family can still function as a family knowing that dad will return.

Out of respect for true single moms, please don’t call yourself one. Say, “My husband is deployed right now.” Or something similar. Because you are married. Even if he is not physically present, you are not single.

Thank you.


10 Responses to “PSA: Military Wives not Single Moms”

  1. Mandy Says:

    Aww! Very well said!

    Oh while I’m commenting I see you added banners to your sidebar for “home of”. I need to do that.

    I love your blog!

  2. Tawna Says:

    I couldn’t agree with you more. Though, I did make that statement a couple of times when Jason was in Japan, I wouldn’t say it again.

    And just to expand on that… not only is it hurtful to the single moms out there, but it’s hurtful to the husbands that are deployed. I know Jason was upset anytime I said it. Like, because he was gone, he didn’t matter at that point. It also made the transition of him coming home after one year very hard. I had made myself a single mom.

    Anyway, I’m blabbering now. 🙂 Very good post, Melissa. 🙂


  3. Kelly Says:

    Good post! This also can be true for those of us with husbands that are gone a lot…either traveling, or in my case he’s home each night but he works a LOT even when he’s home. I’ve heard more than one mom say things like “I am single parenting it this week” or “I feel like a single parent because he’s so busy”. You are right, totally not the same thing at all. Even when Kev has weeks where he’s gone 60-70hrs, he is still dad, he is still my husband, he is still my partner and the leader in our home.

  4. Jenny Says:

    I totally agree. That would be very disrespectful to the husband also.

  5. Dawn Says:

    Very helpful to note! 🙂

  6. sunshineandsprinkles Says:

    I agree with you COMPLETELY!

    (Im not a mom, but will be a milwife soon)

    I also find it disrespectful to the HARD WORKING, DEVOTED, Man that is using literally every piece of him (mind body soul) to get his job done correctly to be able to financially support the kids and wife (who acts as if she is a single mother)

    it could also lead to unfaithfulness. You tell another man you’re basically a single mother and he may use that as his wedge to get in between your relationship

    Thank you for this post!

    i dont see any reason for any woman to take offense to it!!!

    • Melissa Says:

      Thank you so much for your note!!! I felt so hesitant in posting and yet this is one thing that has bothered me for years!! I heard some ladies saying it the other day and I spoke up! Melissa

  7. sunshineandsprinkles Says:

    btw my blog is

    is there a way I can “follow” you on wordpress?

  8. Amy Says:

    I’m so offended!

    Hee hee.

  9. Angela Says:

    The other day I was in a forum and a couple of military wives (I am one also) said they didn’t like being a single mom when their husbands are deployed. I thought to myself, “No… that’s not the same thing,” because my mother was a single mom and it is definitely way harder to be a single mom. What’s worse yet is if you’re a single mom in the military. I don’t know how they do it. Anyway, I didn’t say anything though, because I figured they were just throwing around a quick description of the situation.

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